Let the probing begin!

Welcome to the soup, Hot_Shizzle42! :shake: Hope you enjoy it here! You will find this website to have nice people and great humor.

 

Ripley.....please proceed as originally planned with plan "SB" (Sentinel Buster) and as always remember to wear your protective Teflon-coated Kevlar* impregnated decontamination mutant contact suit and the attached bio-chem gas mask. This malodorous meddlesome Sentinel entity poses a serious threat to our way of life, and we have only one choice and that is to terminate it asap.

I have made the necessary modifications to the Ubersterilizer* and now all we have to do is saturate Sentinel's compound with its deadly impotence rays and within a few minutes he will be rendered a largely impotent and useless life form...not that he isn't that already, but he will be even more so afterwards.

It appears that this on again off again Rosebud person has totally surrendered her will to him, and it's just as well I suppose, I mean....she never really had her heart in probing...not like you. Obviously I should have listened to you when you were trying to persuade me to abandon her so you could have all her probe appointments and UFO flights. From now on the Uberprober* is all yours.

 

Well Schizander it is about time you showed your lovely green face around here again. I was beginning to worried about you. Hope alien life has treated you well.

Since you have been gone, I must admit that I have strayed over to Sentinel's space ship. Although this alien has shown me many things, the one thing that really intrigue me was his probing equipment. Much more advanced like the new 2006 vibprobalator. Since you have been gone, I can order one for you in the alien magazine we just received a month ago.

Sentinel gave me the thrill of driving his space ship a few times around the cosmos. He has asked me to forget about the integration of aliens and humans living together in peace. That not in my life time, but some day it will happen.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if both you and sentinel came together of the minds. And together we can look for planet X and start a colonization. We started that many years ago, but the intruders of non believers interfered with this operation. So what do you say Schizander?

 

welcome ripley!!!

 

Ripley, from here on out perhaps we should refrain from using the terms "probe, probing, probe session," etc., and use more politically and morally acceptable red state alternative words such as "investigate, look into, check out, scrutinize," (I like that one actually) or how about "examine thoroughly" or simply "explore?"

I confess that perhaps I have been a tad too liberal with the "P" word in the past, but all that has changed now since I have had a very uplifting and spiritually enlightening experience last evening while watching TBN and it has changed my entire outlook on life including the kinds of things I post here in Alien Soup and elsewhere. I no longer kick my dog or starve my goldfish for fun nor do I yell at and curse stupid people who talk on their cell phones while driving in rush hour traffic.

From now on when I speak of scrutinizing or thoroughly examining someone, It will simply mean I wish to examine the innermost thoughts and deepest and most sincere heartfelt convictions of you or some other person and nothing more. I just put the Uberprober* up for sale on e-bay at a drastically reduced price and have cancelled all your previously scheduled p-r-o-b-e sessions. I hope you understand. I will also be sending you some tracts I got in the mail this morning from the new age version of Rev. Ike.

This morning withdrew all the money I had in the bank and sent it to several well known televangelists and my hope is that you and Rosebud will do the same. I am putting my house on the market and will be sending the money I get from the sale of it to various charities which are affiliated with these same televangelists. I will also be moving to a much much redder state down South (Mississippi) where I will be accepting an unsalaried job as the national spokesperson for the CCRC (Charismatic Coalition of Reformed Curmudgeons).

Thank you for being so understanding and caring and accepting. Your friend, Abraham T. Schizander.

 

You mean to tell me, you get me hooked on the uberprobe, we have unbridled "looking into" sessions for months! Then you conveniently disappear for weeks, only to reappear, worn out, disheavled, and hungry. I let you in once again. Regain your trust, and poof! You've gone all religious on me???

Can't we play good nun bad priest? Hide the hymn book? Eat the cummunion? Bring me to the upmost climax so I can sing to the gospel choir of your praises?

You need to pull yourself together, and turn off the tube! That invention has brought the toughest man and alien to his knees. (personally the position I like my men/alien :nuts: ) You need to dump the remote batteries, and walk out into the sunlight.

Religion is all well and good, but you've taken it to extreme's. Don't let your lifesavings go to that preachers next set of hair plugs!

 

Ohhh nooo Schizander, you can not give up everything you have and give it to the religion of your choice. Don't you know what these people do to Aliens? Don't you know that they are good at brain washing. Before you know it you will be lost to us. Don't do this Schizander. Come back to Ripley and me and to the Soup where you are welcomed, and belong.

 

I had no choice, Ripley. Threads were being locked out left and right. People were being banned. And as if all that weren't bad enough, this horrid Bertha DeeLush woman from Arkansas was stalking me on and offline. I was getting threatening phone calls in the middle of the night from her ex-husband in a Texas prison. My new UFO was vandalized. My glow-in-the-dark plastic yard art was covered with graffitti. You'd do the same if all that happened to you.

I will no longer speak of p------ anyone nor will I engage in a lengthy in-depth and disgusting discussion of farting and flatulence as some here have done. This weekend some of us aliens are planning on volunteering for the meals on wheels program for the homeless in my city. Wanna come along?

 

Thats it Schizander!!!!!! Ripley and I are coming over and snap some sense back into you.

The real Schizander would not talk like this at all. Let me think here...You had a sudden change in your life. It wasn't the T.V. program you were watching that changed you. Did someone place a silver foil hat upon your head? Have you let in strange people into your house this week, claiming that they are there to fix something that you don't think is broken? Please let me know as soon as possible.

 

What's this crazy talk about some type of silver foil hat, Rose? Everyone knows silver foil hats have little or no effect on aliens, but we are extremely allergic to aluminum foil hats or of any kind...aluminum is a very very bad thing and the person who invented it should be severely punished! And no, I did not allow any strangers into my place this weekend to fix anything which did not need repairing or replacing. Why are you asking such odd questions?

It was the TV program that changed my life, Rose, honest. Why can't you and Ripley accept that? The whiney televangelist lady with the gobby makeup and the shiny bighair spoke to my innermost being and made me realize all my dastardly alien abduction and p------ behavior was baaaaaaaaaad baaaaaaaaaaad! So from here on out I plan to be a model moral upstanding do right wholesome alien. Wanna play Trivial Pursuit and have a nice warm cup of chamomile tea? You'll feel hunky-dory afterwards.

 

Fine by me if you want to change your life Schizander. I guess there won't be any more cafe Lattes at the corner coffee shop. Or the space flights we used to take. Or me helping out in the lab making clones so your alien breed can keep on living.

I have many trivia questions Schizander if you want to play. Just let me know and I will be glad to post them. :hug2:

 

Caffiene is evil, Rose. No more lattes from here on out, and no more late night unchaperoned flights in the UFO, and and no more overtime for you and the other soccer moms at the clone lab. From now on you'll have to learn to stay within your budget and not max out your credit cards. Overcharging stuff is evil as well.

As for advancing the reproductive rate of the alien species, of course that is still a top priority even though it still might be considered as evil by certain imbalanced individuals, but even so, it must continue to be our...I mean MY main goal in spite of all that irresponsible negativity which has weaziled its way into the program.

You see, Rose, hybrids (1/2 human 1/2 alien) tend to be much more peace-loving, cooperative, obedient, submissive, and in general more easily controlled than either a full blood human or a FB alien. It's the unique way in which hybrid chromosomes are wound that makes the big difference, but I digress...please turn in your lab badge and cloning tools and sign the seperation agreement I left in your box. Obviously you cannot be trusted any longer. Let this be a lesson.

 

Do you honestly think that I am going to listen to you Schizander? No way, no how are you getting me off this ship. I have made alien friends here, they will protect me. I dare you to try to find me. How long has it been since you did a clean sweep of your ship Schizander,Hummm?

I will not turn in my lab badge and cloning tools or the seperation agreement paper. And I can't be trusted? How dare you say that after all these years. I am hurt...really hurt. Haven't I stayed by your side and fought for your rights. I guess that doesn't count does it.

Any way if you still don't think you can trust me Schizander thats just too bad, for there is no way I'm leaving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Soooooo this is how you wanna play, eh, Rosebud?

Don't think I haven't been watching you since you came onboard. Ha! An observant alien such as myself is not so easily fooled. Things were just hunky-dory until this Sentinel character came along and threw a monkey wrench in our little hybrid clone lab operation. The contaminated DNA samples that shut the lab down for almost a week...the erroneous calculations which were programmed into the alien spermazootie incubator by you and your clueless assistants?

And as if those two serious screwups weren't bad enough, there was an entire month's production of developing hybrid hatchlings which had to be destroyed, and all of this since this wretched Sentinel arrived on the scene. Are you going to tell me that you haven't noticed this breakdown in security in a department where you spend a lot of time?

A full report has been sent to Alien World Headquarters and unless I am mistaken, there will be a very thorough investigation initiated as soon as possible if not sooner, probably sooner, like right way, possibly it has already begun, or maybe they are waiting for you to make a full confession and submit the names of all those who were co-responsible for this disaster.

I hope you will think twice the next time some good looking guy comes along and injects himself into our mission. I will also need to check your implant chips to see if they have been disturbed or modified in any way. Please report to my lab soon and make sure you are wearing the standard issue emerald green see thru mini-brief clone lab uniform type 2-A which you were issued and not the "softie" black velvet kimono clone lab assistant's outfit which is no longer in style and unless I am mistaken has been discontinued.

 

Schizander I have to confess that Sentinel is very cute. When I am through with my shift my dear Schizander, I spend this time with him. It was not stated in the contract what, I could do with my free time. Besides it is none of your business. If I want to be probed by Sentinel he has me for the rest of our human/alien life time. You have been very busy lately and your objective to find the perfect female for your human/alien cloning experiments has taken up much of your time.

Now lets get to the disaster that happened in the lab. It was not caused by Sentinel nor I. Florria and Blaka accidentally spilled a bottle of zostera into the batch. Contaminating the samples and destroying the human/alien DNA. I told Blaka to write up a report. Did Blaka mention in the report that this mishap was my fault? I reassure you it was not!!!!

Fine!! I'll meet you in your quarters. But you will not remove my chips. And you will not kick me off this ship!!!! We will discuss this tonight around 5:00 p.m. est.

 

Surrender your implant chips or face a stiff fine and incarceration!

I'm sorry, Rosebud, but the decision has been made and cannot be reversed. It's out of my hands now. I tried to explain to the powers that be that this incident was not totally your fault, but they did not share my views and I was overruled. You must submit your resignation and have your chips removed by our lab personnel no later that today at 5 PM est.

Not to worry, replacement chips will be inserted which will redirect you into a different profession, one which though not as technologically demanding as your old job, is still one which allows you to be around lots of people.....I believe your new position is called "Door Greeter " and Walmart has already shown an interest in employing you in their Brinkley, Arkansas location. The cost of housing there is like 1/5 what it is in Connecticut and there are lots of native roots and berries growing alongside the road between your trailer park and the Walmart store ....which can be added to your diet. Duck hunting is big in that area as well.

Please return all your clone lab items and uniforms asap and sign one of my ex-employee security agreements before you leave town. Thank you. Other than this one screwup, you have been a model employee.

 

Schizander you are the captain of your ship. You are in charge, and make the final decision on what happens.


*the decision has been made and cannot be reversed. It's out of my hands now. I tried to explain to the powers that be that this incident was not totally your fault, but they did not share my views and I was overruled. *

Who didn't share your views Schizander? and you were overruled by whom? Are you telling me that you are listening to your superiors? Since when did you listen to them. You have your own ship. To do with as you please. When have you ever listen to the Alien council?

I will not turn in my Chips and you can't make me!!! I will not leave your ship!! You will have to find me first, and have me physically taken off.